As a kid the idea of one's loss of Christmas spirit seemed so foreign! How could that EVER happen...? I don't know about other people, but here's how I lost mine...
Let me start with a quick story...my last visit to the annual probing (aka gynecologist visit) my doctor asked me how life was treating me. "Wonderful and more blessed than I ever could have imagined." I answered...."how is your life going?" "Difficult" she stated.... (She is married to an oncologist and has three teenagers, two of which are twin sons-so I don't doubt the truthfulness of her next statement). "Being married is so hard...,” she continued. I told her I understood and agreed, but that being divorced was harder. My statement surprised her. Now, before anyone gets the wrong idea let me explain....
Although divorce is all too common, it is all too unnatural. It's something we didn't plan for. Without getting into specific information, I can say without a doubt that my divorce was clearly going to happen no matter what. For those of us who are divorced with children it is even more unnatural. The thought of being "free" of the ex-spouse is impossible and ridiculous. I can't just be the parent I feel I need to be and want to be without outside influences pushing, pulling and trying to dictate what happens in my home. Each time one of the children goes to visit their "other" family they come back undone. I mean, what we teach them about what is important in life...honesty, love, family, unselfishness.... is undermined and well….undone. On average it takes 3-5 days to re-do and remind them that our home, family and rules are the same as before they left. Of course this length of time is directly influenced by how long they stay with the "other" family. One must just accept this undoing. I'm quite sure the "other" families experience the same phenomena. This battle is constant, ongoing and permanent. The visits are court ordered and will take place frequently and forever...
"What does this have to do with your Christmas spirit?" You ask....
Well, as I said the visits are frequent and forever.... even at Christmas time. The first Christmas I spent away from my precious little 4-year-old boy was devastating. I really thought I had things figured out and wouldn't really care that much if he was gone on Christmas day. After all we would just have our Christmas on a different day. There may be some tougher and more flexible than me when it comes to emotions, but I'm not going to pretend like everything turned out "OK"...What a dreadful and unnatural feeling to be away from my child on Christmas day. It hurt more than I can put into words. I began to hate the thought of Christmas time because it reminded me of such deep pain and loss. It reminded me of the unnatural fracture of a family and the foundation on which a child grows. I dreaded the gifts, I dreaded seeing loved ones, I dreaded all the strange planning that took place to try and re-create Christmas day to celebrate with my child. When I was growing up, even if we didn't exchange presents on Christmas day or even have a visit from Santa on Christmas day my brother and I were still with our mom and dad...So, I lost my Christmas spirit and my focus on the reason for the season.
For four or five years Christmas time left me with dark, sad and lonely emotions. But, last year I noticed warmth coming back to my spirit as holiday lights went up and the weather colder. I’ve been blessed with the best husband in the world, two handsome and respectful stepsons that I consider my own and a precious little girl. My baby boy is now 10 and slowly turning into a young man. My schedule allows time off for me to enjoy being a mom and wife. My parents live nearby and we get to share every day. I could say these wonderful joys in my life are how I got my Christmas spirit back…. but alas they are not. My Christmas spirit is back because God reminded me of why Christmas is so special. It’s the time when the whole world stops to celebrate the birth of our savior. What makes it even more wonderful is my Christmas spirit doesn’t go away when the lights come down and gifts are put away. The love and warmth of God’s love stays with my family and me all year. Yes, I still have strange plans to make and hoops to jump through. I don’t get to spend Christmas day with my first-born son this year. Yes, it still hurts and feels unnatural. But God is with me and fills my heart with his warmth and blesses my Christmas time with grandparents, Christmas lights, children and hot chocolate….
Happy Birthday Jesus
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